As a result, sex held little allure for me. It looked... weird. Awkward. Just plain bad, honestly. I simply didn't ask, and they didn't tell.
It's one of those things I wish now I'd talked to my mom about more before she died. The older I get, the more I wonder whether she really did have a vixen under her skin. I remember when a friend of hers turned 50, and she found & ordered this studly stripper guy and had him come to our condo to do a striptease. She asked me to do the photography (and naturally I fucked that up) and it was a "wine and cheese" and wiener night, apparently. The women, so mature and nice and friendly were all gushing over this dark, buff, cute guy stripping for school tuition. He put some jeans on later and sat talking with them for two hours after the gig.
"Oh, I'm working my way through college, studying criminology."
My, what big brains you have, Brad.
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One of the all-time fave sex conversations I had with my mother transpired when I was about eight years old.
We were watching a video of Steve Martin’s “The Jerk” one day, and there was a joke about a blowjob. Mom howled with laughter, wiping tears from her eyes. She was a sucker for Steve. I didn’t get the joke. I furrowed my little blond brows and turned to scrutinize her.
“Mom, what’s a blowjob?”
“Hmm?”
“A blowjob, what is it?”
“Oh, that’s when a woman sucks on a man’s penis, dear.”
“Ew! Why would she want to do that?”
She shrugged and said, “Ah, you got me, sweetie. You got me.”
This casual dismissal of blowjobs made me think they were insane. "She sucks on his pee-pee?" was the thought running through my head. "How icky. EW."
She rewound the segment, played the joke again, and this time I giggled, too, with a hint of revulsion.
I was more of a Fudgsicle girl way back when.
This was almost the exact question i was ambushed with from my two teenaged daughters, with my wife laughing near-by. I knew that it was a set up, so thinking quickly I spouted off that it was a mixed drink made with Kalua and served in shots before i ran out to get my bearings. Apparently "mom" and the girls already had this discussion and wanted to see how i would handle it. LOL
ReplyDeleteHeh. Poor guy, ganged up on by the wimmin. Life's a bitch. ;)
ReplyDeleteyeah, I always loved how my mother handled that one. The older I get, the more it amuses me.
The trouble is, I sometimes think of it when I'm going down, and it makes me want to laugh. Not the best time to do so, of course.
"Oh, look, a penis. I think I'll take it into my mouth. Oh, my!" [Snicker, giggle]
Your mother handled that bit of eduation very well.
ReplyDeleteMy mother avoided the subject of sex entirely. It was my man who first explained to me what a blowjob was, long after I should have known.
But justice was served. He got my first one.