seems i've always got something on the tip of my tongue.    ©

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

White Power: Teeth Strips and Other Beauty Addictions

Oh, I can't help it. I got Motown songs swimmin' in my noggin' and I'm thinking I just want to share this post. I wanted to leave EA's post up for longer, but DAMMIT, IT'S UNCONTROLLABLE -- THIS URGE!

See, it's spring. Almost. Nearly. Its tease has begun, so I begin to get pretty fiesty in all areas of life. Particularly in writing. Something snaps, and I get sassier than any other time of year. It's that time again, sweetcakes, and y'all ain't been on that ride, so, let's see what comes.

This one occured to me after midnight last night, and I've been rolling it around. I like it. Unlike most writing, it (and my last posting) was fun to write. Sometimes, it's just a kick. Writing's always rewarding, always cathartic, always challenging, but it's not often fun. Fun is good. I'm all about the fun.

At this time of year, I'm crazy hedonistic. When I want what I want, I want what I want when I want it. That's easier to say than it is to think, I assure you.

EA's post goes back to the top at noon, but I'm stealing the limelight for 12 or so hours. I think I need to join a support group or something. This is borderline needy. Maybe it's just showy? Ah, whatever. Here it is.

I want to be a sex goddess.

I know: I’ll buy teeth-whitening strips. That’ll do it.

Skill? Who needs skill? Communication strategies? Pshaw! No, I just need white teeth.

This is what the media would have you believe, isn’t it? Hey, she must be an all-American girl. See how white her teeth are? Geez. She really is the driven snow, but hey, I'd let her drive me.

Ahh, the media and beauty. If ever there was a more bastardly combination. Sigh. Where to begin? Where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where?

Well, let’s go back from whence we came. Teeth-whitening. Well, I’m a cute gal. I’ve got a gap-toothed smile, though, you know. Just one gap, and not in the centre. I like it, actually. Character. I also have this one eyebrow with a crook in it, which leaves me easily delivering "devious" gazes in times of seduction. Those, and a small scar on my nose from when I had a tete-a-tete with a paintcan in grade two, are my flaws. But despite those, I have pluses. I’ve got warm green eyes that emote brilliantly, decent cheek bones, and even with their itty-bitty flaws, my teeth are pretty darned white, ergo I have a nice smile, and I’ve got nice, plush, full lips to frame ‘em. I’m all right, gap and all, 'cos I'm just who I'm supposed to be, right?

Still, I did it. Those fuckers sucked me in. I bought them. I did. I justified it, though. ”I’m buying generic. I’m not a sheep. And hey, it’s on sale!” And I forked out $25 of my last dollars to pick up the fabulous, oh-so-now box of GLAM, BABY. Yeah, I bought the strips. What's more, I bought the possibility of a less-flawed me. That's what they're really selling, after all.

Have you done this shit? Seriously. All right, we all know that getting sexy is an ugly, ugly business. Hair removal? Not attractive. Some ugly things go down when we’re alone and trying to get all sexed up. The things we inspect, the preening we strain to do. Oh, dear. It’s a wonder we come out of that with any self-esteem at all (even more mysterious considering those who willingly use the 10x magnification uberflaw-exposing mirrors -- shudder).

But these strips? Dear, god. Insert them, and become a drooling mass of incoherence, a moisture monkey. Sex factor? Nil, man. I did one individual set of strips a couple weeks back and haven’t been back to do another set since (there's 20 sets -- heh). I swear, you drool like Lenny when George has let him pet the rabbits too much. "But, George, I like to pet the rabbits. They's so soft, George."

Slurp, drool. It’s repulsive, really. Do not do this around your lover. It’d be so inconvenient to have them conjure a drooling-mass in-coital image of you arise to shatter -- mercilessly -- any hope of orgasm for that foreseeable moment.

("Slurp." And this ain't no "God, I'm being pleasured ORALLY!" slurp of sexual satiation we're talking about here. This is along the lines of "Granny's having soup again, put her teeth on the counter". So, unless you've a geriatric fetish...)

But you know why they keep sucking us in? Insecurities. Beautiful means loved means admired means successful means laid, laid, laid. Oh, yeah, I’m in for the Kool-aid. Gimme some of that.

It’s our insecurities. I mean, hell, if you could find the ego as a bodypart, you could go and put an X for “hit me here” right on top of it. Our psyche’s one big soft spot. We’re all vulnerable in one way or another. We’re all judging ourselves a little on the harsh side, some people excessively so.

All our lives, we’re told to be better. Doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, you’ve been told one of two things: Be better, or conversely, forget better -- you’ll never be any better, you're trash. It's all the same, still boils down got to look better, act better, live better, do better, speak better, better, better.

The cosmetics industry is playing that up like you wouldn’t believe. And now they’ve gone and gotten the boys all worked into a frenzy now, too. The last bastion of oblivion has been shattered, giving way to the rise of the metrosexual. Such pretty boys. I hate to admit it, I do like ‘em. They got that ready-to-eat look that conveys "yummy" and "sink teeth in" to me. Come on, you know what I'm talkin' about. Some people are edibles. Some have "food group" and "recommended part of a balanced diet" all over 'em.

But there's a lot to be said for rugged men, too, though. They clean up, and well. I like doing the cleaning, too. Rinse-and-repeat. Mostly repeat.

But you see? This is what they’re doing. Men are getting as compartmentalized and as stereotyped as women have always been. It started a couple decades ago, probably even as early as the ‘70s, but it’s blown out of the water in the last five or so years. Now guys are getting just as silly as the girls have been, via spending insane amounts on cosmetics and other beauty fixes. (Surgery, anyone?)

I’ve always been that type. My insecurities seemed tethered to my expenditures. "But it's expensive, I'll be beeyootiful the instant it touches skin!"

I've spent so damned much on the myth. I've always had a little bit of problem skin. I’m of Irish descent, so my complexion’s really fair, right? So, I’d often get blackheads on my nose. Every product I bought would do jack all about the problem, and I was spending $40 a bottle for this crap.

These days, I spend all of $7 for Aveeno Baby Wash, and when I want to exfoliate, I throw some sugar into it and lather up. My skin’s the best it’s ever been, my rosacea is completely gone for a more porcelain (ergo more corruptable, ergo good) look, and I’ve been looking five years younger since I started cheaping out. And my face is softer now, too. Truly. (Which is no mean feat since I ride a scooter and get exposed to the elements year-round.)

The irony is, They (the Man, et al) used to tell men that sugar was a great face scrub. I always thought, “Damn men, they’ve got all the luck.” I was gullible. My blonde highlights might be fake, but I tell you, I can fall for a line some days. It’s my trusting goody-girl nature. But my smarts always emerge, and I put two and two together when the Queer Eye guys came along. At the start of the series, they’d tell the guys to scrub with sugar. It didn’t take long for them to be selling the “men’s exclusive facial care products” crap to the guys, though. “But it’s crushed avocado seed. It’ll give you…” rosacea, actually. Geez. That's not exfoliation, that's abrasion, dudes.

It took being broke to give me the best complexion I’ve had since my teens. Fuck H20, the Body Shop, and everyone else. Some things are worth spending money on, for sure, but I think the face-washing thing’s getting a tad out of control. My skin’s proof.

And this rant all started from me brushing my teeth before bed and eyeballing, guiltily, the box of whitening strips. My point? It’s a sad fucking thing that our insecurities cost us so much both financially and chronologically. Ah, if only being a sex god was simpler.*

*Speaking of, before Valentine’s Day, I will be posting:“How to Unleash Your Inner Vixen: The Baby Steps”. It won’t be how to be a porn star. No, just a rock star, baby. Good at pleasing your audience, tenacious at times, seductive at others, and the one person everyone wants to go home with, but so few ever do get the privilege. So, girls, since that one’s coming at you, if you can think of anything the men need to know before the annual lovefest weekend kicks off, you lemme know.

The sexy art photo has been found on & the sexy exotic metrosexual man is from MSNBC.

Masturbation posts will return – the compilation ones are actual work. Writing is fun. Words are my plaything! Watch me toy. Heh. No, no, the compilations are to come sometime in the next two or three days, the first installment.