Mutual Masturbation: Why to Rethink It

I don’t know if it’s the new rage, but there’s something pretty hot about it, you know? Sitting around, toying with yourself as someone repays you in kind. It’s the ultimate in voyeurism. You're there, front and centre, watching – and satisfying yourself in the process of – someone experiencing the deeply personal act of giving themselves an orgasm.

I had a man recently ask me if – since I didn’t engage in sex-for-sex’s-sake sex – if I might be interested in masturbating for his pleasure.

Now, you have to realize that, before this point, this was one of the sexiest, most intelligent, and thought-provoking conversations I’d had with a man in a while. If there’s an iota of truth to the brain being the largest sex organ of all (and there’s plenty more than an iota to that) then suffice to say that I was about as aroused as I’d been in a while. (Unfortunately, he was married. I don't go there.)

Some chicks look for big cars, some chicks look for big words. Which am I?

So, he asks me this. And I seriously considered it. I know it can be a really intense experience, if you can get behind the walls of bullshit we all conjure for the world at large, then yes, it’s a pretty intense experience to share with someone.

So, I was giving it due consideration, and then I realized that, for me, it would be as intensely intimate as fucking him would be, something I considered incongruous with my own ethics, as much as I really did want to do it. And I thought, wow, what a gift I’d be giving a guy I didn’t feel like I could afford to be that way with. Just, yeah… a gift, really.

The nature of masturbation, when you get down to the heart of it all, beyond that fleeting sense of ecstasy, that arrogance of knowing you’re always able to make yourself feel like that, the prideful sense of independence… beyond all of that lies the very, very simple truth of being literally absolutely naked with yourself. You think true thoughts, have real fantasies when you masturbate. I think there’s seldom a time in which we’re more brutally true to ourselves than when we masturbate… for good or for ill. It comes down to what it takes you to go there, the imagery you need to form, the thoughts that find their way into you.

To lie there opposite each other, and get there in the manner you would if you were naked and alone, it’s a very eye-opening, fly-on-the-wall kind of moment.

Yes, it can be incredibly hot.

But yes, it can also be incredibly weird. There are those out there who believe there’s no sense in bothering with the mutual masturbation – letting your partner start & finish fully without touching them, this is the definition of mutual masturbation. And they would be wrong. It really is about the ultimate in vulnerability with your partner. Not because you need to submit to their touch, but instead, you must submit to their scrutiny in your moment.

With that experience comes a different kind of bond than one just forged by sex and love alone. Vulnerable is the hardest thing to be in a relationship. I struggle with it. My independence and strength have been towers of power in my life, and to submit to vulnerability is to give up all that’s gotten me through to now. A small little seemingly insignificant act like mutual masturbation is enough to bring all that to the forefront. In sex, it’s easier to hide behind those eyes-closed moments.

Anyhow. I just need to clarify, as much as I believe mutual masturbation is a really important stage in your sexual evolution as a couple, and as much as I think it benefits on an emotional level, too, it can be a really intense emotional experience sometimes, and you sort of need to anticipate that, particularly if trust issues are something you’ve had in the past.

I honestly think, though, that it can do nothing but good for a relationship. And, hey, if you’re single, it’s truly safe sex.

So, it’s with great pride that I announce that I wrote some of my fave readers / bloggers / diligent commentators, Goose & Gander, and asked if they could write about their experiences with mutual masturbation for this masturbation series I’d been doing. It turns out they hadn’t much experience with it, honestly, and initially they sort of said, “well…” and suggested another topic might be better. Then a couple days later, a “hey, that’s fun” kinda note came by. Now we’ve been graced with a report of their playtime on the subject so far. I’ll be posting that during the weekend sometime. It's guest number two in this, the first of my guest-writing series. Yay, new things!

In the meantime, please feel free to comment on experiences you’ve had with it, thoughts you have on it, whether I’m right / wrong, why, and if it applies, why you won’t / will be doing it anytime / sometime soon.

(I don't know if it bears mentioning, but I found remarkably few photos of the subject on the net, and they were all really trashy porn types. Nothing sexy, sophisticated. What a shame. I need a studio and lighting. Heh.)