Q&A: Dear God, Stop that Already! PT. 2

Meatloaf has been neglected. But if your name was Meatloaf and you were a big, chunky singer with bad hair and a sweat problem who portrayed a man with giant breasts named Bob in a movie like Fight Club, it stands to reason you might find yourself a little neglected as well.

We’re here to fix that. Meatloaf’s on the table now, man.

Dude’s having issues. There’s an angelically moaning neighbour, a neglected girlfriend, and a completely lacking sex life, all while his hormones are raging.

In a perfect world, we’d flip the switch, the neighbour would shut the fuck up, the girlfriend would get hot and bothered and wouldn’t be able to get enough of him, and he’d be able to keep his mind on the task at hand, while suddenly having the kind of sex life he really wouldn’t want to write home to Mom about.

Unfortunately, it’s not a perfect world, and things don’t magically change. I wonder if Meat’s had a chat with girly-girl about Moana next door? If not, he should. To not talk about the sexaholic, constantly moaning Moana would be akin to ignoring that big fucking white elephant over there in the corner, and since the Laz-E Boy is now out of the question, squooshed as it is under that big white bastard, it might be time to have that conversation after all.

“So, um, she’s at it again.”
“Who?”
“You know, Moana. The neighbour. It’s getting pretty randy over there.”
“You can hear her having sex?”
“Can’t YOU?”
“Well, yeah, okay, I’ve heard it.”
“Doesn’t it get you a little hot?”
“Why, does it get you hot?”
“Well, I’d really, really like to throw you down and have some pretty wild sex right now, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You would?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you every time I hear that woman, but I always feel a little odd, like she’s having sex and for me to come in and just take you then and there would be a little too connected to that, and I always worried you’d have a problem with it, so I’ve just stifled myself.”
“Well, that’s a shame. I’m a little underutilized around here, you know.”

I mean, that’s the ideal “If Hollywood Wrote My Life” way that conversation would go, but it’d be nice, wouldn’t it? The nice thing about talking about this shit is that you can really sort things out. Conversation may not be a cure-all, but it sure as hell isn’t just a Band-aid, either.

You need to talk to her, let her know this neighbour’s causing arousal problems because you’re a guy with a creative imagination. Tell her she’s (girlfriend, not Moana!) on your mind constantly, and that you want to know what you can do to better fulfill her sexually, so that sex is something she’s more geared to enjoy.

Besides that, you need to put your money where your mouth is. You need to constantly start being present physically, without having sex on the mind. Touch her when you pass. Kiss her often. Snuggle when it’s TV time. Put down the newspaper during breakfast and really focus on her. Listen to what she says, make eye contact. You also have to make sure that it’s her entire body that you touch – not just ass or boobs or twat. Touch her belly, her ample thighs, her lovehandles. Anything she’s insecure with, ignore her protests and prove that you find it sexy, too, via light touches and kisses. After a bit of this, it should really help to make her feel sexually secure in the relationship, and some of her hang-ups should begin to drop.

I wrote something a while back that I think deserved a little more attention, and for relationships like these, where one person has hang-ups and doesn’t like talking about sex, it’s something that can take you to a new level. In this game, the point is to take sex books and underline passages that turn you on, that you wish your partner would do for you more often, and in another colour, underline all the things you enjoy doing or wish you could do for your lover. Exchange books, and get to know more about your lover as you read corresponding chapters, and rendezvous later in the evening.

If my math is right, your loverwoman’s in her late 20s, ie: 27/28, Meatloaf, and this is a great age for her to begin getting over hang-ups. It’s really around then that most women start coming into their own for the next five years. A supportive man who loves all areas of her body and makes talking about sex a safe thing by not judging what she says or scoffing in response to revelations is bound to make her feel more secure, and a secure lover’s a better lover. Always.

As for you and your mastur-ba-thon, well, there’s nothing wrong with masturbating, but if it’s getting in the way of your sex life, much less your work or other matters, then yes, you have problems. It is about willpower. It is about knowing when to turn your attentions where they need to be. Maybe you have a sex addiction, but you claim you’ve made positive strides, so I won’t take it that far just yet.

The thing about the neighbour, if you wind up discussing it, making light of it, and acknowledging that it happens a lot, then you have the potential to having a trigger for sex in the relationship. You hear it during a smoke break, you could come in, tell girlie that Moana’s making friends again, and just seduce her then and there. Who knows, it could work out in your favour, if you finally confront the fucking issue and open up to the woman who deserves to know what’s going on in those two heads of yours.

You absolutely need to talk about it. You need to focus on your girlfriend. You need to repress some of your urges so the sexual frustration drives you to repair your relationship. If that doesn’t work, go borrow a cup of sugar and see what happens.