The Guide to Turning Them Off

We’ve all been there. Someone approaches us at a party, their eyes go all neon “F-u-c-k m-e, p-l-e-a-s-e.” They hang onto us. They flirt. They harass. Most importantly, they annoy. Oh, fuck, do they annoy.

And sometimes it seems that no matter how you try, they just don’t get the fucking hint.

Maybe you need to actively cause them to be disinterested in you. Here are some tried and true methods:

• Whenever they try to make you laugh, snort. Loudly.
• Every time he says something about his life, say, “Oh, my ex-boyfriend did that, too. Funny.” Sigh, shake your head, and insert negative factoid, ie: “I still have the restraining order.”
• The all-time “a”-list: Spill your drink on them, and don’t offer to help clean it up. (Give yourself 5 points if you’ve spilled your drink on someone you actually liked, and still managed to seduce them for that first time that very same night. Fun, huh?)
• Roll your eyes. Often. Dramatically. And if you need more, scoff quietly and shake your head after you roll your eyes. Snicker if necessary.
• Men, you can just simply stare at her breasts. Paste a little grin on and just look at the twins, and every time she asks you a question, stay with the twins and just nod or shake your head, still grinning. Warning: This approach could incur the wrath of the slap.
• Girls, you can just look at his crotch, gush, and say, “Aww. It looks so cute. Reminds me of my brother.”
• Lean into them, sniff, and say, “What’s that smell?” Just like grade school? Yep! And just as fun!
• Mention casually that, “My therapist wants to increase our sessions, and maybe my meds, too.” Now twitch.
• Cock your head to the side and ask, “Have you been saved yet?” (My favourite answer: “No, just discounted.”)
• Query them, “Do I smell funny to you? I’ve been having a persistent personal odour issue, and I’m hoping I may have finally found a remedy.”
• “Did you know that your aura has three sub-categories?”
• And there’s always my favourite, the classic “Fuck you. Now go away.”

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It’s a shame that more people don’t have fun actively causing the opposite sex to be disinterested. It’s really quite enjoyable. Plus, you save them the hassle of being interested in you. Life’s easier for all, and you get the fun therapy that comes from being a blatant dick/twat for a limited time.

What more can you really ask for?