Stupid is as stupid does

I'm doing the online dating thing. Let me say ONE THING: Your opening line is EVERYTHING, boys.

So, the guy who just opened with: "May I have your panties?" Uh... Where to even begin on the lameness scale for that one?

Remember, "block this person" is the most valuable tool you have when doing the online thing.

Block, block, block. Fucking twit.

______________

So, Dear Readers, I'd like to ask you to stay tuned. Starting next week, I'll have more time on my hands and a more diligent writing schedule, and I have a few ambitious ideas to tackle. Hopefully this place'll be hopping again. In the meantime, I'd like to leave you with this lovely image.

Why this image? Because I've been pursuing the online thing more of late, and my GOD am I getting frustrated.

Okay, here's a mini-rant. Men are willing to go off to war. They're willing to scale mountains. They're willing to do all manner of stupid, life-endangering things, like running with bulls, but god-fucking-forbid they have the balls to cancel on a chick or see through some plans. (Obviously, there are awesome men out there who are not these guys... WHERE ARE YOU? Come HITHER. Now.)

As far as I can tell, these guys all want me. They've said so in countless ways, but as soon as our plans roll around, the guys are typically forgetful men and they often FORGET the dates. Instead of having the balls to say, "Shit, I forgot," they pussy up and never contact me again. And the amusing thing? I'm usually pretty cool about that sort of thing. I'm a busy chick, and I like my time alone, so getting a night to myself is often a bonus, not a horrible event.

I've always thought I was pretty decent at decoding men, but these days, I'm getting just a little flustered. I tell you, I'm five minutes away from walking into a bar and laying it on a guy. Trust me, I could easily walk in, and walk out with a dude on my arm -- I just hate the got'em-at-the-bar kind of deal.

On the flipside, meeting a nice CHICK someplace seems like a fuck of a lot LESS (ed. note: seems I forgot the most important word in this sentence earlier... AHEM.) hassle. I tell you, I'm so close to being driven to dyke by the dicks. So very close.

On the subject of images, if you look at the early days of this blog, I was using a lot of really hot photos. I've gotten away from that habit, but now I'm going to get back into it. Stay tuned for purty pics.

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm 32 today, folks. That being the case, I'm a little busy being busy and birthdayish for the next couple of days. YAY me. (I'm not one of these chicks that cares about getting older. I'm older and better, baby.)

Fortunately, there's another posting over on NYHotties for you kids to read, "Getting Stiffed by the Stiffy," in answer to LabBoy's question about the "five-minute" rule -- you know, how guys tend to blow their wad the first time they have sex with a broad in about all of five minutes of steamy action.

So, you can check that out here.

Conversely, if you've discovered me on NYHotties and you want more, may I recommend The Best of the Cunt, found on my sidebar? The guides to oral are always good. Thanks for droppin' by!

I Don't Wanna Be Your Dog

My latest raunchy rant can be found over at Alexa's sizzling site, NYHotties.com, where I'll be a frequent contributor for awhile.

Here's the link.

You asked? Cock Rings

Chelsea Girl requested that I address the issue of cock rings. So, here goes.

Once upon a time, in Middle Earth, a Hobbit named Frodo went on a quest to destroy the One Ring that would rule them all... Err. Well. Okay, different ring.

A cock ring is a blood-flow restrictor for the penis. Cock rings are the original penis-enlargement procedures. So, for starters, there's the size-increasing bonus plan that the rings provide. The real benefit, though, comes in the fact that the trapped blood causes the penis to require more stimulation in order to come. (And when you do come, one word: gusher.)

What does that result in? More playtime (for most men -- read on). A longer-lasting, new, improved loverman with a harder cock and the ability to go for a little while longer. It’s a great toy, particularly for those wanting more marathonish experiences in the bedroom.

How does it work? Simple. A cock ring wraps around the very base of the shaft (with or without the testicles, depending on the type/size of ring used), which traps blood in the upper regions of the cock. If you want a see-for-yourself experiment, just wrap an elastic band around your finger. If you find the right amount of snugness, not only does your finger get a little larger and a little stubbier, it can also get more sensitive to touch. (Which is problematic for premature ejaculators, who may not be able to handle a cock ring, but there are men who are less sensitive, too, with cock rings, so it's a user-specific experience.)

If you're a guy and you're nervous about putting on a cock ring and then imploding sooner than you want to, then I suggest trying it out during your Sunday morning masturbation routine as you get to know Jenna Jameson a little better, or something.

Now, I don’t know about using a hair scrunchy in the Loverman-Improvement-Plan, but go on ahead and try it, if that’s all you got kickin' around the house tonight. Finding the right cock ring can be a challenge, since too much restraint can cause injury to the bad boy, and too tight a ring might prove a bitch to get removed.

(Just imagine that visit to the hospital emergency room, eh?)

Cock rings come in all sizes and any number of different materials and designs. You can get a nice leather strap with a clasp, very adjustable, and very safe, and every bit as good as any other ring. You can get a leather strap with a number of snaps on it, allowing for any number of girths, also a great, safe approach.

You can get metal rings, plastic rings, rubber rings, and they all need to often be sized for your shaft’s width. A little trickier, I’m afraid. You can get funky ones with mini vibes attached that offer clitoral stimulation during the sex act.

It really comes down to your personal style and what just feels right for you. Some rings are all flash, and that's fine, but it's pretty unnecessary. Some rings are a feat of engineering since they have elaborate designs that can do everything from tugging and restraining the balls to clamping off the shaft, and even clamping your nipples at the same time. Clearly the latter design's for those who've ridden all the smaller rides in the park and are looking for a little more bang for the buck.

Experts recommend that a cock ring shouldn’t be too tight (for seemingly obvious reasons) and shouldn’t be left on for more than 20 minutes, definitely not more than 30. Now you’re thinking, “well, why not apply it during the act and really prolong our experience?” Nice thinking, but a guy’s got to be flaccid or only semi-hard to apply these bad boys.

If it’s a new experience for you, don’t use metal rings. It’s advisable to use adjustable or stretchable cockrings, since this is one experience you don’t want to have go bad because you’re bad at judging your size.

Cock Ring Emergencies: You got ballsy and decided to try a metal cock ring, and now it’s stuck ‘cos your billy stick got too big to remove the bastard? Fill the tub with COLD water and sit in it. In a couple minutes you’ll be happier about experiencing shrinkage than you’ve ever been, and you should be able to get it off. If not, you’re going to the emergency room, kids.

Cheap tricks: Why pay $20 for three rubber cock rings when you can spend $3 at a hardware store for the same product, sans packaging and spin?

Wanna read some guys’ accounts of using cock rings? Go here.

Harrass this, you PC bastards

When I recently whored myself for more topics, Grover Flanagan asked this:

Ooh! Ooh! I've got one! A new girl just started at work. She's either as tall or just a bit taller than I am, cute as hell, and built like a brick house. (what a winning hand!) I've introduced myself, but have no idea where else to go from here. Afraid I'd be far too obvious (never been Mr. Subtle) if I tried to strike up any further conversation.

How about some do's and don't's on workplace flirtation in this harrassment-sensitive age.

Oh, boy. Harrassment.

Could there be any greater reason why less people than ever before are getting laid? What are we to do without the always-fun office fuck? My God! As if dating was hard before, now there’s this bullshit to contend with? Why not just thrust us all into fucking monasteries and nunneries and leave it at that? Jesus.

Harrassment laws have their place, but why in the hell has zero-tolerance had to enter the equation? What the fuck is wrong with “Hey, wanna get a drink tonight?”

Nothing, says I. Fuck that shit.

I say you ought to just ask the woman for a drink. I think there’s nothing wrong with asking. It’s what happens after the asking that’s the issue.

If she says no, then you back off. If she says yes, then when you’re on the date you need to guage how it’s going and have an actual conversation about your attraction to her before you proceed with anything physical. You need to talk about what will be the fall-out at the office and how you need to deal with each other in that environment as opposed to outside of the office.

So, asking, not a problem. It’s everything after that which complicates matters. Is there a no dating policy in the workplace? No? Then that’s a good first step. If there is, then you’ll need to learn to keep your mouth shut about things, won’t you?

Since there’s a million ways that part of the scenario can go, I won’t even go there.

Fact is, the workplace offers a lot of insights into people that we don’t normally get exposed to until far further in the relationship -- insights that might’ve been a dealbreaker or dealmaker if we’d known of them earlier in the game.

Do they get grumpy easily? Do their moods flip like a fish out of water? Do they buckle under stress? Are they curt and offensive when they’re having a bad moment? Have they always got a smile, regardless of the adversity they face? Are they thoughtful and generous?

But back to the question of harrassment. I think most people in society are pretty cool with knowing what constitutes harrassment and what doesn’t. Personally, I always enjoyed pushing the envelope back when I was in an office. I’d occasionally let a dirty joke slip or might've made a comment about a blowjob to a male coworker, just to see what the reaction would be. And it never got the kind of reaction I suspected, and never caused issues. So while the laws may be strict on paper, the reality is that people tend to be a little more flexible. This will vary workplace to workplace, but it comes down to the same babysteps most adventures require: Start small, and if it’s received well, take a slightly larger step.

You seem like a pretty perceptive kinda guy, so I’d just run with that and see where it gets you. Fuck the rules.

A WORD FROM MANAGEMENT:
I've not been writing one damned bit in the last two weeks until today. Almost everything has been unpublished stuff from my archives. I've figured out why I've not been writing: Because I've been too busy in the mornings, and I'm a morning writer. Another week of working mornings, and then I'll be back to working afternoons/evenings, and writing will be more regular. Bear with me.

I'll also be posting quite a bit over at www.nyhotties.com, thanks to an "agreement" I've reached with the owner of that page, which makes it more beneficial for me to post there. I'll keep you notified. Fact is, I'm a whore. If I can have almost 10 times the readers for a posting, then that's what I want, and over at nyhotties.com, that's what I'll be getting -- plus, better exposure in the literary capital of the world. Like I says, you'll be kept apprised of such postings.

The Failure to Fuck

Not too long ago, an Italian man was ordered to pay his now-ex-wife damages for failing to disclose to her before they tied the knot that he couldn’t get it up.

Apparently the courts have told him he’s guilty of abusing her "right to sexuality."

Now this is why I believe in getting sex out of the way. Pfft. I mean, wait? Yeah, that's gonna happen.

But you gotta wonder: You’re abstaining, but you make out, right?

So, there you are, you’re makin’ out, gropin’ a little, wandering around, pressing together, getting all heated up... and you never once notice he doesn’t have a stiffy in response?

Honey, do you have any powers of observation?

What chick, getting kissed against a wall, doesn’t notice a guy’s degree of interest? Which chick doesn’t judge its rigidity at that time? And if the guy ain’t putting it out there in a covert yet obvious way? Something’s up, and it ain’t Dick.

Honestly, it’s a pity they’re divorced. They seem impeccably matched.

The Guide to Turning Them Off

We’ve all been there. Someone approaches us at a party, their eyes go all neon “F-u-c-k m-e, p-l-e-a-s-e.” They hang onto us. They flirt. They harass. Most importantly, they annoy. Oh, fuck, do they annoy.

And sometimes it seems that no matter how you try, they just don’t get the fucking hint.

Maybe you need to actively cause them to be disinterested in you. Here are some tried and true methods:

• Whenever they try to make you laugh, snort. Loudly.
• Every time he says something about his life, say, “Oh, my ex-boyfriend did that, too. Funny.” Sigh, shake your head, and insert negative factoid, ie: “I still have the restraining order.”
• The all-time “a”-list: Spill your drink on them, and don’t offer to help clean it up. (Give yourself 5 points if you’ve spilled your drink on someone you actually liked, and still managed to seduce them for that first time that very same night. Fun, huh?)
• Roll your eyes. Often. Dramatically. And if you need more, scoff quietly and shake your head after you roll your eyes. Snicker if necessary.
• Men, you can just simply stare at her breasts. Paste a little grin on and just look at the twins, and every time she asks you a question, stay with the twins and just nod or shake your head, still grinning. Warning: This approach could incur the wrath of the slap.
• Girls, you can just look at his crotch, gush, and say, “Aww. It looks so cute. Reminds me of my brother.”
• Lean into them, sniff, and say, “What’s that smell?” Just like grade school? Yep! And just as fun!
• Mention casually that, “My therapist wants to increase our sessions, and maybe my meds, too.” Now twitch.
• Cock your head to the side and ask, “Have you been saved yet?” (My favourite answer: “No, just discounted.”)
• Query them, “Do I smell funny to you? I’ve been having a persistent personal odour issue, and I’m hoping I may have finally found a remedy.”
• “Did you know that your aura has three sub-categories?”
• And there’s always my favourite, the classic “Fuck you. Now go away.”

_______________

It’s a shame that more people don’t have fun actively causing the opposite sex to be disinterested. It’s really quite enjoyable. Plus, you save them the hassle of being interested in you. Life’s easier for all, and you get the fun therapy that comes from being a blatant dick/twat for a limited time.

What more can you really ask for?

A Detour: Acquisitions

Normally, I tend to write about sex on this blog. At the beginning, though, I had said it would be frequently about sex, but occasionally I might write about something else that was possibly inappropriate for my other blog.

So. This is one of those times. Certain people read my other blog.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have steady, reliable drug dealers. Now, me, I only do dope. I'm mostly well-behaved. Recently, though, I had a stoner concert to attend and thought I should acquire some... inspiration. I found out then that my formerly regular dealer is, get this, on "hiatus."

"They give you those, do they?" I asked.

"When you ask 'em nicely, yes," he said.

Deciding that This Concert was worth the effort, I figured, "What the fuck? Let's see what I can do."

So, without ado, I decided to negotiate an acquisition on the streets. I headed to Vancouver's primo chemo district to get me some cheebah. Now, keep in mind, I've done this once in my life. I've somehow always had connections -- a variety thereof. Buying on the street has never been required.

How does one tactfully approach someone and, essentially, ask, "Say, are you a dealer?" Why not just tack onto that, "And hey, I have a family of four that needs killing. You up?"

But this is how you do it. Find a way to observe the street for a few minutes. Walk up it, then down it. Make note of who's stationary, and better yet, leaning on a wall. Find a way to keep an eye on the scene for a few. Who stays put? Who crosses a sidewalk to talk to someone, then crosses back? Do they use hand gestures? Do they keep looking around, twitching?

Dealers.

Now you walk back towards him/them, and making eye contact, you raise your eyebrows.

That's it. You've done it. Easy as pie. Now: "Holdin'?" "Whatchoo need?" "Weed." "Yup. How much?" "20."

Next thing you know, you're holding two dime bags. Go home. Get happy.

Back to the regularly scheduled smut next time.

Questions, please?

Hey, folks. I'm embarking on a new self-employed career that's taking off faster than I'd imagined it might, and though my pistons are all firing, they're firing for everything but writing. I need questions -- genuine or not -- to get me going for the time being, since I'm somewhat maxed out at all levels, particularly for the remainder of this week.

Drop me a line or comment, and I'll tackle things when some time frees up later in the week. Thanks.

Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin

I had an email from a woman who wanted to remain anonymous.

“So how is the world with a virgin on the other side of 30? How virgin you may ask? Too! I haven't even had a kiss since highschool so.... Am I going to end up a lost cause? I don't even know how to formulate my question, what exactly it is.”

-Always Alone

I once wrote, “Getting published is like getting laid. Anyone can do it if they set their sites low enough.”

Getting laid ain’t hard. So that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you want to be laid by someone with standards.

My readers are probably wondering, “Man, bet she’s a dog.” No! I got a picture of this girlie, and she’s cute. A little makeup, some cute, revealing clothes, and a night on the town might be all it takes.

But being over 30 and a virgin and unkissed for so damned long, A.A., you’re probably filled with apprehensions about getting involved -- and a whole lot of insecurities.

The thing about dating that gets forgotten is that it’s just about meeting new people. Today, it’s easier than ever. I wrote a rant about e-dating, but the dating itself has been pretty good. None of it has been painful or emotionally distressing. There’ve been some real pieces of work, this is true, but as a whole, it’s not bad. When it doesn’t work out, you walk away. That’s it.

So what’s holding you back? Confidence? Inability to meet new people? The way you dress? I’m not a fly on the wall and my crystal ball’s on the fritz.

If what you wore in the photos is a typical day out for you, you need to update and get some digs that better suit your body, and the colour grey don’t work on you. Have someone help you buy trendy clothes. Ditch those jeans you had on and get some with spandex in ‘em and wider legs that bring your hips into proportion -- it’s more slimming, and much more stylish. A lower cut actually makes you seem taller and flatters your ass, too.

Get some nice cute shirts that are at least as low-cut as the v-neck shirt you wore, but get bright, fun colours that will have you be noticed. Personally, I was always opposed to things like hot pink, but I went and got me some snazzy pink and lime green clothes last season and have been really surprised at the interest they create just walking past men on the sidewalk. Get daring.

If confidence is the issue, join a gym. You might think, “Oh, I’ll join a girls’ gym--” WRONG. Yes, gyms are meat markets, but that’s what you want! It’s not that bad. You don’t have to wear makeup. Just have cute workout clothes and do your thing. You might even find you enjoy catching those sly corner-of-the-eye glances that come your way. Every now and then, a little objectifying does a girl some good. Besides, strong women feel sexy.

Another great idea for confidence is to join Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, so you can brush up your courage for talking to strange men.

As for the question about being a virgin and whether there’s any hope, goddamned right there is. There are men who specifically do not want virgins. They want experienced lovers. Oh, well. There are also men who’ll get excited at the prospect at defrocking a woman, especially since the notion of finding another virgin when they’re also in their 30s is pretty much something that’ll get them a visit from the law enforcement.

Try to ditch your inhibitions. Do little things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with men at the supermarket. Smile at one hot new guy per day. Be brazen and start the occasional conversation. And when you feel you’ve made a big step like just talking to some random attractive man on the street, make sure you pat yourself on the back.

But most importantly, try the e-dating. It’s the easiest, most opportune way to get your face out in the world, especially since you’ve told me you live close to “a major city”. And if it’s something like Lavalife, you can post a profile for free. Write yourself a revealing, open profile and include a photo on your profile. You don’t need to publically disclose you’re a virgin, but you’ll have to do so at some point. You do want to say something like, “Looking for a lover who can and will teach me in the bedroom.” You can call yourself “an inexperienced, but willing to learn, lover.” And realize that if you write the profile well enough, you make it revealing enough, and you have a nice photo up there, you will get a LOT of responses. Then, it’s all up to how you handle things.

Hell, if you want, send a profile you’ve written about yourself to me in email and I’ll help you polish it up all sexy-vixen like. Trust me, I’m effective. ;) We’ll report back to the readers about your progress in a couple months.

Meet guys for a coffee. Don’t let the “online chatting” thing drag past a week. That’s just a waste of your time. All it takes is an hour to meet for coffee and you’ll know if he’s worth pursuing.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” The quote is from Oscar Wilde, and it’s as true as true gets.

Personally, I’m a little overweight. I’m not some sexy vixen non-pareil. I’m cute, I’m fun, and I’m a little larger than life both physically and personality-wise. But I’ve got confidence and I’ve got a great grasp of innuendo. I may not be every man’s cup of tea, but I’m surprised by how many men would indeed like a sip of me -- and that’s because my personality’s infectious and I got a dirty grin. There was a time when I thought it was all about hip size, and the more outgoing I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how untrue that is. Trust me, I went through a dark age in my mid-20s and my self-esteem bottomed right out. In the last couple years, I’ve put all of the above to work for myself and I’ve really enjoyed the outcome, despite still looking for The One.

So, learn to dig yourself. Dress yourself in a new, brazen way, and force yourself to make daily baby steps. Smile at men. Play with innuendo. Start touching their arms when you talk to them. Sit closer to the men you’re around. Take a risk and get on the ‘net for e-dating. But love yourself. Get past the insecurities that are holding you back from being the effusive, sexy woman you know lives deep down inside ya.

And then maybe you’ll happen on a brave new world of satisfaction and sexuality. Good luck on the voyage. ;)

Anyone got anything to add to this advice for AA?

Readers: Input Needed

A male reader has emailed me this question:

Any recommendations for making a latex mold of my cock? There seems to be a lot of products out there, but I can't tell the difference between 'liquid rubber' and latex and which will hold up better...

Sadly, this Steff knows nothing about manufacturing cocks. There are dryspells in my life when that skill would come in handy, no doubt, but nope. I know nothing.

I emailed a local sex shop that rocks, and they were stymied by the question. I've done an inconclusive web search, but to no real avail. Anyone able to weigh in on this one?

Anal How-To: A fine link

Anal's not my thing. Been there, done that, but if I do it again, I'm sticking close to this advice from Chelsea Girl. Two-parter on An Intro to Anal for the new initiates.

Part One.

Part Two.

e-Dating: a Rant

I have recently gotten back into the world of e-dating. This is my third attempt. I’m not a clubber. I’m kind of a shy chick until I have an “in,” and despite getting increasingly flirtatious in real life, it seems that every fucking man I meet is attached, married, or gay. So I’m going where the odds are better.

e-dating began for me in the spring of 2004, and I thought it was a great new tool. No, actually, it's mostly where you find the tools. Still, there are a few diamonds in the dark, dark mine.

The first date I had was with Paul, who had an inability to relax. Over the course of a 90-minute meal, Paul drank five beers and had the worst body language you could imagine: He sat there with his leg shaking violently under the table for the entire meal.

“It’s just him,” I thought. “Things will improve.”

The next date was with this cute Asian guy, and we decided to go watch a hockey game in a pub and have a couple drinks. Well, the pub I recommended wound up taking some 45 minutes to deliver a plate of nachos to us, and dude literally held me personally responsible and couldn’t shake the annoyance regarding bad service. His mood was the shits, so I naturally let him pay, and I fucked off.

Since then, I’ve probably had about three dozen dates. Maybe three have really went well, but the connection ultimately wasn’t mutual. The rest have flat-out tanked.

I have another one scheduled for Saturday, and I’m really looking forwards to it. Something sounds different about this guy, but I’m having a hard time sending my skepticism away.

Let me say this as plainly as I can: There are a LOT of losers out there. I’m pretty sure that’s not exclusive to the men’s side of this deal. From what I’ve heard, there are a lot of pathetic women in the picture, too.

Where did common sense go? Does anyone have a brain anymore? Is etiquette really as elusive as it seems to be? Does anyone understand how to attract the opposite sex in print? And finally, can people please learn to fucking spell and punctuate their dating profiles?

I had tried the “dating” and “relationships” sections on Lavalife, one of the prime dating systems in cyberland, and finally decided to say “fuck that,” and have moved on to the very pointed “intimates” section.

Intimates is where folks go when sex is an important factor in relationships. If you’re into “alternative” lifestyles, it’s also a great place to find those interested in the same things.

That said, there’s some scary shit out there, and I’ve slowly learned how to tell the freaks from the pack. Sadly, the freaks dominate the pack.

When I first posted my profile in the “intimates” section, I had more than a hundred local men respond in the first two days. Why? Well, for starters, I know how to write something sexy. I was honest and blunt. I said I was overweight, though I’d lost quite a bit of what I’d used to weigh already, but I was very, very confident in my abilities.

I touched on my interests, explained things I thought were romantic, and alluded to the music and movies I enjoy, plus the other activities I liked. Most specifically, though, I said what qualities I wanted in a man, and what I didn’t want.

To this day, I’m continually baffled by the stupidity of other people’s profiles, and their approaches towards the dating field.

A few cases in point:

“Peachmuncher” said, “I love to munch peaches.” Let me clue you guys in. Sure, there are men who don’t like oral. (I have yet to encounter one in my sex life, though.) But the fact is, the majority of men seem to love giving oral. You think it’s a selling point? No, it’s a cliche. Have some creativity and use anything else for a line than that. For god’s sake, have some DEPTH. Oral ain’t going to last all night, every night, and you better be bringing something else to the arena.

The Illiterate. I cannot tell you how many men seem to hit on me who have none of the qualities I list as being ones I’m seeking in my profile. Read the fucking profile. Consider it a checklist. If you don’t meet the criteria, then move the hell on. When I say “No older men” and I’m 31, if you’re more than 40, move the hell on. This goes for the morons who are my FATHER’S age and hitting on me -- in their 50s and beyond.

One brainiac retorted to my “Not interested in older men” response to his advances with “But a hard cock is ageless.” I simply responded, “Yeah, with a little fucking blue pill, right?” and then I blocked him.

If she’s not interested in age (or vice versa) then take your reality check and walk, bub.

The Stupid. The line of the night of late was a guy who didn’t even say hello, just messaged me with “I’m looking to get fucked tonight.” His name was “22inches14internal”. I lost all my tact and responded with, “you’re a piece of WORK, pal. One word for ya: Hoover.”

Which brings us to names. Choosing really stupid names like “HungLikeHorsie” and “SheCumsFirst” and “Thick1forU” are probably not going to net you any significant catches. But if skanky hoes do it for ya, then have at it.

The Sad and Disenchanted. Sure, some people might be interested in distance, but when someone says “Not interested in distance” and that they like “to have sex often,” the odds are pretty good that your being located more than 50 miles away is going to take you out of the running, let alone the twits who are 2400 miles away yet still think they have a chance.

The Grammatically Challenged. When a chick says she’s intelligent, and you claim you’re looking for a “smart, sexy” woman, but you fail to use any grammar or spelling or punctuation in your ad or in your communications with her, then you’ve got to expect little or no response from the calibre of chick (or guy) you’re seeking.

After all, how hard is it to understand that the profile you put in the e-dating world is your handshake, your business card, your first impression? It is. It’s EVERYTHING, people. Spend a little time on it! Write something that evokes you. Then spell-check it. Check the grammar. And when it’s nice and good, then you can post it.

The Non-Photogenic. Taking a photo where you’re in your stained t-shirt with holes in it, sitting in front of your computer with bad hair and a tired expression on your face will do nothing towards getting you laid! Taking a photo of yourself in the mirror where the flash pops and the viewer gets to see nothing of you will also do nothing towards getting you laid. A big panoramic shot of you standing in front of Matterhorn Mountain? Also not gonna do it. You’re talking about a 2” wide or smaller photo on the net, in a panoramic, you’re a flickin’ blip on the screen.

Make it a frickin’ head shot, people, or at the very least, your upper body and head. Is that so hard? Put on a nice shirt. Do your makeup or shave or whatever the hell it is that gets you looking your best, and then take a photo. It doesn’t have to be the level of Vogue’s photography, but you could put some effort into it. You can ad an awesome full-body shot in your additional photos.

If you're in an intimates section like I am, use your brains. A photo of JUST you cock or tits or ass is not going to do the trick. Having a nice cock is easy enough, and so too is having the face of a horse. I won't be choosing my mate because he has a nice rigid cock and nothing else. Think about it. Jesus Christ. You have no idea how often I've seen shots of just a guy's ass.

The Computer-Phobic. You’re using electronic dating for your social life but you get pissed off at having to chat in MSN or something? Get past it! That’s the new culture. Sure, you can talk on the phone, too, but don’t insult someone because they favour MSN or something. I tend to stick to online chatting for a bit so I can gauge intelligence in print.

And finally, a word about etiquette. So far, I’ve experienced a lot of guys who make plans and blow them the fuck off. For every date I make, half are kept. Fortunately, they’re often guys I’m only half-interested in, so it ultimately doesn’t matter. It worked out great the night I accidentally set my hair on fire and smelled like burnt dog, though. Having him blow me off was just perfect that night, especially since admitting that I set my hair on fire would’ve been a major crushing blow to my ego. I guess I need to tell you about that now. Hmm. Later.

But normally, guys seem to think it doesn’t warrant a simple courtesy email or call. “Sorry, I lost my interest. Things have changed. Can’t make it.”

It’s respect, people, and EVERYONE deserves it. The e-dating world is full of enough bullshit, but you deliberately adding to it is completely uncool. You can block the person after you’ve shown them basic respect, if you don’t want to deal with their bullshit after the fact. But at least give them that much.

Now, the pluses of e-dating? For a chick like me, I really get to test the waters intellectually. The funny thing has been that most guys say they’re looking for a smart chick. I’m a disarming chick -- I’m funny, I’m easy-going, but when I turn on the smarts, you best look out.

So the fine print tends to have been thus far, “As long as she’s not smarter than me.”

E-dating has allowed me to cut through that crap and establish my intellect. I scare off more men than I attract, and that’s just fine with me. I’ve had a couple decent dates, and they’ve been fun.

Unfortunately, most haven’t been. One guy was guilty of false advertising when he stuck a sock down his pants to make himself seem larger, and when we finally got to fooling around, his cock was miniscule. My hand was wider than his "hard" cock was long.

Why the games? The chick’s gonna find out, guys. Ditto for girls with padded bras. What in the HELL are you thinking? Be yourself. Someone’s gonna dig it. There are "teeny queens" out there, and guys who don't like big boobs. Putting on an act is just moronic.

Fact is, most of dating is rife with failure. Most dates turn out ludicrous. Most marriages fail, for God’s sake.

But the fun is in the hunt. Get over the bad happenings and move the hell on, but don't add to the negativity by being a cunt in the hunt. Have a little decency.

POST-SCRIPT: A commenter is freaking out about their first upcoming e-date. I say go! Do it! E-dating's great positive is that it's like a conveyor belt of dating. Everyone knows it's supposed to be a short hookup. Meet for coffee and a walk. If they blow, so do you -- right on outta there. :) I won't stop e-dating, I just won't hesitate to tell a guy to take a hike, either.

The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus: Part 4

This is part four in my opus on cunnilingus.

Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.

Tackling a lover orally can be quite different for the two sexes, not just for the obvious reasons.

As far as I’ve been able to discern, sucking dick’s the same no matter how you approach it. Sure, it might be a little different upside-down, but it doesn’t seem to change matters that much.

Can the boys weigh in on this and correct me if I’m wrong? I have that slight problem of being dickless, hence clueless on that aspect.

Chicks, though... We’re a sensation wonderland. Every way you turn us, move us, the feel’s different.

Think about it. A penis and vagina go together like a puzzle. The negative space in a cunt accomodates a dick perfectly. This is why it’s so fun to play together.

But that said, every bit of internal female plumbing has different reactions to stimulation. The back end of the vagina responds differently from the front end. The vulvic walls create a space within them that’s similar to an hour-glass, but with a longish fold similar to sliding your hand between the pillows of a couch, all mixed together. That means that entry from different angles creates different sensations -- never mind our perineum, our clit, our ass, or any of those other happy places we’d often like you to make yourself at home with.

Fingering a chick with your fingers turned sideways, like a key entering a keyhole, flicking them against the opposing walls, this feels a world different that entering her with your fingers turned wide for the entry, since it causes more sensation a little higher up on the walls (thanks to that extra width up top) and stimulates both sides of the vaginal walls at the same time. Like I said, a very different feeling.

Slanting your fingers so they hit the front or the back also changes our reactions.

Then there’s having us move into different positions that allow different areas to receive sensation -- such as propping a chick up with pillows.

You might not ever understand all the ways a chick can respond differently to sensation, since it’s all “hidden in there,” but at the very least, you can appreciate it and keep it in mind.

There are a few basic approaches you can take when performing cunnilingus.

_________________

Front & Centre: This is your standard approach, as illustrated in the beautiful photo provided to me by Daniel & Sabrina at Tell Your Sex Story.

This position can be attained by being on the bed between her legs, or by you approaching when kneeling on the floor in front of the bed, or as illustrated in part three, you could even have her lying on a table table as you take the comfortable position of sitting on a chair before the table. I did say “dining,” didn’t I?

Lying on a bed may be routine, but it’s my favourite position. I love just lying there and relaxing as a guy has his way with me because it really allows me to enjoy the experience.

Also, although it may seem like a boring, conservative position, it’s actually the most flexible one. You or she can manipulate her body into a variety of different positions stemming from this basic one. Every way you move or angle her legs will vary the sensation slightly. Play with this. This also allows easy access to every single erogenous zone on her body since only her back is out of play.

And don’t forget, it also allows for you to use your nose on the clit, as I detailed in part three, something that most of the other moves do not permit.

_________________

Down & Dirty: From the most flexible position, we go to the least flexible one. An interesting alternative, this one’s a very sensational feeling, but it’s also very emotionally detached, which can compromise some of the intensity for some of the chicks. And as mentioned, it’s very limited in scope.

You’re essentially eating her backwards from behind. Slide two pillows, at least, under her midsection so her derriere’s in the air, which gives you access. This is a really different sensation for the chick since the tongue reaches internal areas it can’t usually reach, essentually angling back towards the cervix, and against the back wall, instead of against the front wall.

The negatives to this approach are as follows: One, a total lack of eye contact. Two, no ability to stimulate all her upper-body erogenous zones, from her mons to her breasts and neck. Yes, it’s a great sensation, but unless she asks to have an entire session done this way, make sure you bring other positioning into play.

_________________

Sideways: This one’s great, and as mentioned, it’s one of the myriad ways you can adapt the Front & Centre approach. All you need do is lie beside her, on your side. Have her drape a leg over your torso -- the leg depends on what hand you favour. For example, if you’re a rightie, you want to lie on your left side, so your right hand is at your ready and able to join the fun. Her left leg, then, will simply drape over your right hip.

Your head will be parallel to the bed as you enter her with your tongue. For greater control, you can stretch your left arm (again, if you’re a rightie) out and under her right thigh, and use your hand to pry her fleshy inner thighs back. Digging your tongue in as deep as possible is a real bonus with this approach.

Your tongue enters her sideways, so when you’re flicking and darting, you can favour one side of her vulva over the other or go back and forth, batting your tongue against each wall rhythmically. You can wag side to side or do the classic “around-the-world” movement, all of which works nicely.

A really arousing trick is to lightly rub your upper front teeth’s edges against her labia as you dart and delve into her. It’s a nice multilayered feeling and I guarantee it’ll get her riled.

With your right hand free, and with more of her upper vagina exposed thanks to your head being sideways, you can really work with both her clit and her breasts with your dominant hand.

Done correctly, this can be a really stimulating series of moves, and could possibly cause her to climax sooner than you want. Watch for her leg pressing heavily down on your hips -- but she might be doing this to tighten all the regional muscles to get more bang from your buck, so also pay attention to breathing, gasping, et al.

Don’t forget, you do have flexibility with your indominant hand, as well, if you want to find a creative way to toy with her with both hands.

Girls, if your man’s stretched out at your side, don’t forget to stroke his cock, or just hold it firmly if your concentration’s too affected. Using your thumb to rub up against that delicate sensation wonderland under his penis tip, the frenulum, will get him more aroused and might increase the intensity of his oral work -- if that’s what you want. But stroking is a really nice touch and lets him know you want to appease him as much as he wants to do so for you.

Upsidedown: This is essentially a 69 -- le soixante-neuf -- position. She straddles your face with her face being down over your cock. The moves for each player are pretty limited, and I should think fairly obvious. If you’re making the night about her, this is probably not the way to go.

Why? Personally, I enjoy the odd 69, but I’d rather not be distracted while giving or receiving oral. I tend to have a very hard time focusing on the matters at hand -- or tongue, as the case tends to be -- when I’m being pleasured. If you want a subpar blowjob, then that’s your call, right? And I’m down with that. I just realize my limitations, that’s all. I suspect most chicks feel this way, but I know it’s not universal.

I think guys need to appreciate that the mechanics of fellatio are more complicated than cunnilingus is. You can lie there and let your tongue do the work for you, but we have to do the head-bobbing thing and focus on your lower shaft, et al. It’s a physically more demanding task. It’s complicated business, and those of us (like me) with ADHD and such might not be able to function well under the dichotomy of the much-vaunted 69. Just keep that in mind when you’re comparing notes with oral performances of the past.

_________________

Mounted: This is when she sits on your face. This position is almost fetishistic in a way since so many guys seem to love the notion of a chick straddling their face. And why not? You open your eyes and her tits are hanging over your face.

It doesn’t allow her to really relax and enjoy the experience, though, so I think that while it can be fun in bursts, it shouldn’t be a long-sustained position. It’s hard on a woman’s thighs and calves, and can be hard on her lower back, as well. That said, it does allow for a deeper probing with a man’s tongue, and god knows that’s not something to complain about.

_________________

The Rearguard: This is another position where you will be on your side. It’s a reverse-69, basically. If you’re a rightie, you’re on your left side, and vice versa. The difference this time is that she’s also on her side, with her back to you. You want her to lean back into your body, and your body is to lean forward into hers a little, so you both support each other and it allows her to rest more comfortably. You want her to prop her upper leg up and over your torso. It’ll probably drape over you just under your armpit, so you’ll have to have your dominant arm resting over her leg. Make sure her lower leg is bent, with her knee pulled up towards her a little. This gives you more room, stretches her vagina a bit to tighten it and give added sensation upon entry, and also stabilizes her more.

This position allows you to enter her from behind, and allows you better access to toying with her perineum by nuzzling it with your chin as you work her over with your mouth. That’s the beauty of this pose is that it’s the only one that really allows you unparalleled access to her whole vagina and her entire body, granting you the ability to stimulate anything, anywhere. Plus, you get the added nice sensation of having your cock against her back for that extra bit of intimacy.

Your indominant arm, unfortunately, will be in an awkward position and won’t be able to do a whole heck of a lot other than maybe stroking her inner thigh. You could always give her lower foot a massage, though, and it’s an intimate way to cater to her as you continue lapping her.

(You can reverse this position for a front-on-front sideways 69 as well. Backwards, it frees her from obligation, though. Frontwards, it allows you to delve in towards the cervix, so both ways has its advantages. Personally, I prefer this method of 69, since I find it easier to perform in. It might be interesting to hear your opinions on this matter, though. )

_________________

It should go without saying that positioning is a pretty important factor. If she can’t get comfortable, she may not be able to come. Make sure she’s able to relax in the position she’s in. Check in with her during the process from time to time.

Remember all the tips from the previous three postings: Use your hands as much as possible, use your nose when you can, use your teeth, vary your pressure & rhythm, et al. Read the preceding postings, if you haven’t already.

Next weekend I’ll be posting the final portion of this series. In there will be use of props and a couple other fun little details. I haven’t given it much thought yet, so... I’m not sure what I’ll be touching on. I’ve also been asked to address the issue of tongue piercings. Having never been fortunate enough to hook up with a man who has one, my insight will be limited. The word “fortunate” should tell you where I stand on the matter, though.

Christmas Wishlist, Item #1

Being out of work means I don't get to buy the trinkets my heart sets itself upon.

Like this. "Tongue Joy?" Oh, that ain't the only joy, honey.

Oh, lordy. I am hotly awaiting a personal introduction to this toy. My god. I mean, clearly you've noticed I'm into oral. Just when I thought it couldn't get better.

And it comes with a "turbo pack" with variable speed control? Mounted on an eager, probing tongue? [shudder] [gasp]

But wait, there’s more -- there’s a finger ring and a toe ring, too.

Oh, dear lord. Santy Claus, you listening?

The reviews are very positive, from what I’ve seen. And what I imagine... oh, ho. It can’t be anything BUT all good.

Guys, it’s in your interest to invest, too. Imagine one of these bad boys on your lover’s tongue as she devours your cock.

Fuck therapy, fuck Prozac, fuck it all. One watch battery and a vibrating tongue ring might just give you an all-access pass to Happy Land.

(From what I’ve seen on links, some sites sell it for markedly cheaper, but the catch is, the “turbo pack” isn’t included. Sacrilege! Never turn down the turbo pack. Also, it’s apparently recommended by Playboy. Somethin' tells me they know a thing or two about sex.)

A great product review can be found here.

But HEY. You, wonderful readers, can help me! Click the "donate here" torso at the top of my sidebar, and I can get me one of these badboys and review it for ya! Just another selfless act I'm willing to take upon myself for you.

In case you've yet to discover it, you can click the "Cunning Linguists Journals" link, also near the top of the sidebar, for more sexy websites. Some very cool sites out there. Clicky-click!

The much-awaited part four of the Man's Guide to cunnilingus will be posted Sunday.

Lousy Lover Syndrome

DirtyTalkingGirl (DTG) over at Pussy Talk recently posted this about her lover’s stubborness in wanting to get her off through oral:

I have to say that M gave me his best last night. He went down on me unasked, made all the right moves with tongue and lips, pulled my thighs over his shoulders, changed position and bent in over me from the side, tried every angle of oral approach and entry. He was textbook-perfect.

All to no avail. I couldn’t come.

At one point, I apologised. Told him it wasn’t him, I just wasn’t in the mood, time of month, blah blah. I added, I’d rather you fuck me. I wanted the penetration.

He said, “No, I want to make you come this way.”

As he laboured on, putting fingers here and thumb there and vice versa, I felt like a lawnmower that wouldn’t start.

This posting set me off, for some reason. I began thinking, “If someone as skilled in and open about sex as DTG felt this frustrated and this much like a failure when her lover plodded through what he thought was his money routine, then where would that leave a “lesser” lover?”

Feeling pretty fucking negative about sex, I suspect. And that’s not fair. In fact, it’s downright cruel.

Our bodies are enigmas. Some things work brilliantly sometimes, and sometimes they fail. That’s just the way it goes.

DTG went on to say that maybe a switch hadn’t flicked in her mind, that the mood hadn’t hit her, and as a result, she was left unswayed by his “best.” She asked to be fucked doggy style, and was again rebuffed. Her lover stuck with his seflish intent of having her reach orgasm his way instead of the one way she thought she’d be able to reach it, considering her somewhat uninspired state.

I’m here to tell you one thing and one thing only: I don’t give a shit if you’re the king or queen of the world with your skills. If your lover tells you it ain’t working, that they want to have you try X method, and you rebuff them because you’re somehow intent on bringing them to climax through your present approach, then it doesn’t matter what skills you have.

You’re a lousy fucking lover.

Listen. Listen. Listen. I’m always saying “listen for aural clues -- a switch in breathing, a moan,” whatever it takes, right?

Well, when someone flat-out tells you what they want, and they tell you they’re having trouble “getting there,” and you disregard it, you’ve broken every damned rule in the book.

Me, I think that when the mental baggage started to come into the picture, DTG should have told him to stop. I think she should’ve made him realize that he was starting to make her feel bad.

But that’s just how it goes. It’s so overwhelming when we’re in the heat of that moment and all those inner bells and whistles start tooting: “You can’t come? What are you, frigid? You’re good at this. Hell, you don’t even need to do anything. The ride has come to you! Come on! Orgasm! Squirt, baby!”

We can logically dismiss it, but the hurt’s still going to find its way in, and we start thinking we’re being selfish AND a failure.

And the truth is, it’s not us being selfish, nor failures. It's our lousy fucking lovers.

This applies to both sexes. Listen to your lovers, and don't let your pride and inability to concede defeat leave them feeling like crap (and unsatisfied).

It’s wrong and it’s cruel. And it's just plain bad sex. Wake the hell up.